Ok I promise you I wont do this much, but I have a lot on my mind. I am late.. if you know what I mean... and well for those that don't, there is a chance that I am prego again... for the first time since losing Jonathan to SIDS. Just the thought of it is freaking me out because all that I can think of is "If I am pregnant, when the baby is born am I going to go through all the same things that I did with Jonathan? Will I lose this one to SIDS as well?" It is hard and I am trying to keep my cool and stay calm about it all.
I will bring you all to a little light, I am 22 years old and well I lost my first born at the age of 21. Hence the name of my blog, creations, tagging name, Nickname, All of the above. After suddenly losing my son at the age of 2 months 20 days, I became silent. I do not talk much to people unless it is on the net, or the phone, possibly because I don't have to look them in the eyes and feel like they look at me differently because I lost my son.
I sometimes feel like I am treated differently because people know that I lost my son, and sometimes I feel like people blame me for his passing. Well I know that my in-laws do blame me because he was in the bed with me! What was I supposed to do, I nursed him and that is what the nurse at the hospital told me to do! She said it would be easier for me and baby when the late night feedings came.
Well no matter what, I will not change a thing with any future children I have due to the reasoning it was not my fault. I was actually starting to break him from my bed, and started the night before we found him. And that will be the same age that any more children we have will be broken from our bed.
But anyway, the thing I am worried about is how I will make it through the pregnancy (if I am) with all the stress of worrying about all these thoughts that are coming to my head. I do not want to go through this again, I was in shock for about 2 weeks, and then when it hit... it hit hard, and that cause me some health problems. It lead to me being in pain physically and I spent the most part of January in the hospital because of gall stones, and an infection in my gall bladder. Well that lead to me having my gall bladder removed. I'm really worried that things will be hard on me and that I will be comparing everything to the things I saw Jonathan doing, and I don't want to do that because Jonathan will still be here with us in spirit even with a new baby.
Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest, and hopefully you have made it this far.... There is something that I made and well I decided to make it a CU Freebie. I hope you all enjoy it, or can find a new way to use it! It is an overlay, and well I took the time place each and every heart that you see! I will be back soon with something else for you all!!
Huggies,
MommytoanAngel
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